The Post About Cow-Tipping

Not really. But holiday tipping is super important to those who are deserving, so here is a quick and easy ettiquette guide for us all:

Christmas is a great time of year to remember those people who serve you regularly. Tip delivery should occur in the month of December prior to Christmas day. Tip those who serve you all year long and with whom you have a personal relationship.
Maid - one week's pay. This is for maids in your employ whom you pay directly. If you use a service and never know who is coming out, don't tip at all. (I will be tipping myself.)
Gardener - $20-50.
Mail Carrier - Non-cash gifts with value up to $20. This is for mail carriers that you know and see regularly.
Apartment building handyman - $15-40 each.
Manicurist/pedicurist - $15 or more. (This yearly gift keeps them from talking trash about me in another language - I hope.)
Hairdresser/stylist - $15 or more (She is worth much more!)
Newspaper Carrier - Daily - $25 - 50, weekend - $10
Teacher - $25-100. If you know the teacher's hobbies or interests, then a gift certificate would be nice from the local movie theater, hobby shop, mall, fine restaurant or day spa.
Coaches, tutors, ballet instructors, music teachers - A small gift from your child.
Garbage collector(s) - $15-30 each. (It would be more if they would take that pile of leaves I strategically placed by the garbage can.)
Baby sitter - One night's pay, plus a small gift from your child.
Personal trainer - $60-100 upon reaching goal. (She will never get tipped.)
Blogger (which you regularly read) - $100 gift card to Old Navy.

Be a cheerful giver!

The Post About Thanks and No Thanks

Today, I am spending some great quality time with my duvet and my family. I have picked out some great books to curl up with and only plan to venture out once over the next three days. (We eat out on Thanksgiving - which is one of my favorite holiday traditions!)

Speaking of reading, I love a great book. However, I also enjoy a lesser-appreciated read in the genre known as magazines. Particularly, Entertainment Weekly. I love the columns by Diablo Cody, Jeff Jensen, and Stephen King. Yes, that Stephen King. After reading his articles for a couple of years now, I have decided we would be fast friends (despite the fear of cats he instilled in me through Pet Cemetery.)

His last article was just great - a thank you and no thank you to the universe. I decided to steal the format and write my own:

**Thanks for PBS' The Complete Jane Austen. You made me fall in love with Persuasian all over again. No thanks for the other television networks who cancelled shows I really liked (The Ex List, Pushing Daisies...)

**Thanks for JustJared, a great celebrity site with just what you want - tidbits. No thanks for Perez Hilton who has too much time on his hands for all the hateful.

**Thanks for Chick-Fil-A which opened even closer to my house, improved the chicken salad, and gives out mints. No thanks for Guadalajara that simply teased me and led me on. Come back!

**Thanks for Jon Foreman, Jason Mraz, Brooke Fraser, Gavin DeGraw, Adele, and Dave Barnes who all put out lovely albums this year. No thanks for Madonna who needs to wrap it up.

**Thanks for Facebook, a place in which I'm probably not the target audience, but love all the same. No thanks for MySpace where you can no longer see the forest for the messy, crowded, naked trees.

**Thanks for the Gosselins who make me want to eat organic and pick on my husband (when he shows up.) No thanks for the Duggars who need to start thinking about population control and individualized attention for their 18 kids.

**Thanks for the FBC Senior Adult Choir and Bon Qui Qui whose videos made me snort. No thanks for the Miley and Mandy show who fought their battles on YouTube - man up.

**Thanks for my friends and family who make everything more colorful and divine. No thanks for the Devil, who can stick it.

The Post About Yapping

Have you ever had someone talk to you and it sounded like this?



I have. I hear this sometimes when I watch The View.

In truth - I have sounded like this on more than one occasion.

(Thanks to Joel McHale for the heads up on this precious pup...)

The Post About Saturday Cartoons

Saturday morning cartoons are on the way out? This article is about Fox's decision to be the first of the big 4 networks to axe the tradition...

When I was 8-years-old, this was my weekend routine:

8:00am: Snorks

8:30am: Muppet Babies

9:00am: Smurfs

10:30am: Alvin and the Chipmunks

11:30am: The Littles

Looking back - I may have been slightly obsessed with shorter-than-average animated characters.

The Post About a Tree Legacy

I have this tree in my back yard. Here he is:He made the top ten reasons why I wanted to buy this house. In the summer, he gives beautiful shade over my deck while I read. In the Fall, he makes the air easier to breathe as I clean up his poopy mess of about eleventy billion leaves. My Dad insists it's time to cut him down, because he is likely to choose falling on my bedroom over standing upright in high winds. But I can't do it. He is simply too beautiful.

He is a legacy of someone who planted him more than 80 years ago (my neighbor's estimate). What legacy am I leaving?

“Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9
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P.S. This is my 100th post - which seems more than a tad nuts. I wrote in my first blog: "I am tempting to blog. I have usually avoided the commitment due to my pride of trying to be witty and eloquent. I have sacrificed those goals in order to capture some moments. Bear with me." Thank you for bearing.

The Post About Too Much Christmas?

I have a friend Patrick. This is Patrick on Christmas crack.









I have seen houses in full Christmas attire since the day after Halloween. My hairdresser just told me she's looking for a blow-up outdoor Santa sitting on a John Deere to add to her extravaganza that includes decorating EVERY room in her house (including the potties). My question is "Why so early?" (and then "Why would Santa ride a tractor?)

Doesn't Thanksgiving deserve a little affection? My friend Allison, who has been unpacking her attic and blanketing her own home in Baby Jesus, says it's simply an issue of priority. Turkey Day, to her, represents us stealing Native American land. Christmas is the birth of our Lord and Savior. Therefore, trees before cornucopias.

I suppose there is a slice of logic there - but is it the whole pie? Caryann says Christians celebrating Christmas is not a Biblical edict, which technically is true. Instead of us putting the "Christ" back in Christmas - perhaps it was never really there in the first place. Maybe we have wrapped reindeer in the wise men in order to justify having a holiday soap dispenser. I am simply not sure - which explains this merry ramble...

What is your take on Christmas?

The Post About Twilighting

Yes, this is what I am doing tonight. Me, my girlfriends, and Ben. I have read all 4 books and really enjoyed them. I also visually enjoy the guy who is playing the lead character.

All of the above statements seem like a mistake based on my age.

The Post About Standing Outside the Fire

These are 7 of my crazy great co-workers. Only one of them do I get to see every day because the rest work in other parts of the state. But discussions about our 401(K) and Flexible Spending Plans brought us together in Birmingham this week. Good times.

I took this picture when we were standing in the parking lot. We were forced there when our chat about restraints got interrupted by the sounds and sights of a fire alarm. First - yes, I am trained in restraining others, so beware. Second, very few good things come from a fire alarm. There are stairs and chilly standing and anxiety about what you left behind. But there are some nice things. At least one: Firefighters. And I must say, the Homewood firefighters seem to be doing a fine job in the serving-the-public and looking-lovely department.

When I was in college, I lived in Dickey Dorm (go ahead, think of all the ways that could be fun...). I lived with Jennifer and Angie quasi-lived with us on our couch. Our fire alarms got pulled 27 times while I lived there. And every time - you had to wake up, find a robe, and work your way out to the front yard and wait until they discovered that (shock) there was no fire. Jen and I grew tired of this dance, so one night we decided we wouldn't be obliging the University anymore and we were holding our ground the next time the bell started ringing. So the next time someone had too many jello shots and thought it would be "fun" to pull that red handle at 3:30am - we stayed put in solidarity against the machine. And by "stay put" I mean that Jen rolled over to the far wall of her top bunk and covered herself in blankets. I hopped in the closet and crawled inside my laundry basket. When funky cold Madina (our RA) opened the door to peer inside, all was well. We then returned to our cozy beds and slept soundly. We were trailblazers.

The Post About Fonts

As many great tasks as I get to do at my job - there are always the duties that are less than glamorous. Those include filing, kitchen clean-up, inventory, and most recently, formatting our policy manual. This project is exactly as exciting as it sounds. Taking content from many, many sources and compiling the resulting 200 pages into 17 chapters and almost a dozen appendices. Riveting.

I was gifted this activity simply because I am more computer-savvy than most of my coworkers. But I work with social workers who love families more than software help menus.

As a reward for the drudgery, I made the executive decision to change the font of every document to one I liked. You see, Times New Roman makes me sad. Sad to type and sadder to read. It is too formal, even elitist. I would use Verdana or Tahoma, but they are for the creative. I don't consider myself worthy of either. (And I don't anticipate my left brain picking up the pace.)

So the new APAC Policy and Procedures manual is in Arial. I am sure our staff will now read the explanation of our database systems with baited breath.

Irony? This post is in TNR because I'm typing it on my phone.

The Post About Plagues

These are my parents. Cute, huh? The guy on the right is my Dad. He really loves me. But, he doesn't really love my politics. I think his exact words to me once were "You're breaking your mother's heart." In the past year, that phrase seemed to be on a loop as the subject of so many of our conversations landed on the topic of government.

His dismay was never more evident than on November 5. As he called to wish me "Happy Birthday" his disappointment in the electorate was tangible. He explained to me that my voting choices would now render plagues upon my home. He is currently proving himself a prophet:
Plague #1: Strep throat, bronchitis, and a upper respiratory infection - I am on Day 9 of being unable to breathe or swallow without medicinal intervention.
Plague #2: Two lizards in my house in one week. Read my previous blog on how reptiles make my heart skip a beat (and not in the good way.)
Plague #3: A friend set me up with a cute friend of hers. After he had read this blog and studied my facebook profile, he was excited to ask me out (cue the giddy Jamie). Excited until he asked her who I voted for - he then decided not to pursue our romance.
Plague #4: I woke up yesterday to blemishes on my face that seemed to belong to a 14-year-old with a perm and Tiger Beat in her Trapper Keeper.

If my life follows a Biblical pattern (which normally I would embrace), then there are 6 more to come...thanks Dad.

The Post About Confession

I am still reading through Your God Is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan (the digestion time is a little longer than Entertainment Weekly and Twilight). Chapter 16 of this thick and intriguing book is about adopting the "holy habit" of confession. I used to consider confession the lost spiritual discipline, at least for me, because I struggled so much with keeping up appearances. Sometimes, even admitting my goofs to the Almighty required a chat with my internal image consultant before proceeding. But thankfully, God reminded me that He leans in closer when I clean out from under the bed (Psalm 66:18). Plus, He made the bed and already knows what I've shoved under there...

Buchanan defines confession as "presenting our real self to God." He adds a subclause that in order to do that we have to "be honest with ourselves about ourselves, and honest about ourselves to at least one other trusted and godly person." He goes on to provide a resume for that person:
a. aware of their own frailty.
b. honest about their own sin and weakness
c. able to laugh
d. able to weep and rejoice
e. not shocked by sin, but grieved by it - in themselves as much as in others
f. trustworthy
g. not given to gossip
h. truly pursuing God
i. must love (above all else)

God has been crazy good to me in this arena. Kelly Anne and Lolo were my first pair of confidantes for the journey. Kara and Caryann are currently in the passenger seat. All have fit the bill. I could not be more grateful.

The Post About Chaining a Soul

I love great song lyrics. I love a great book. But poetry...umm, no. I know people love it and live by it, but it has never really moved me. Except for one. This was one of the first poems I ever read that actually made me want to read it again. Circa my life 1993.

After A While
After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Any suggestions for great poetry?

The Post About Guns and Religion

The economy is in the crapper. We should all be trying to save, right? I have tried to cut back in many areas, but there are some things that I cling to like guns and religion. Here's a list of five sacrifices I am not willing to make quite yet. I might seriously consider cutting them out if it came down to them or electricity in my home. Might.

1. Internet on my Phone. I crave it like heroin. Especially while I am driving. (Better to be surfing on the phone, than having a hit of heroin on the interstate...)
2. Tivo. Another drug of choice.
3. Cheez-Its. Cheese Nips and store-brand cheese crackers are for those missing taste buds at the tip of their tongues.
4. Face Products. I am now closer to death than I have ever been. Therefore, I will be fighting every wrinkle and age spot and puffiness with an arsenal comparable to that of the Taliban.
5. Chick-Fil-A. First of all, it simply tastes yummy. Second of all, it is really like tithing because it's "Christian Chicken." My debit card swipe for an 8-pack of nuggets is really an an act of worship. Wait...

What would you keep on buying even if your wallet suggested otherwise?

The Post About Leaving the House

You know when you run out of recorded shows on the DVR that it is time to take a bath and get back to work. My lungs are still on strike but I am hopeful that my co-workers will ignore the coughing and clearing of my throat and decide to interact with me.

I have a HUGE event tomorrow night for work and as much as I would like to think that my co-workers place my health first, the really don't. Therefore, I am mixing a nice cocktail of sudafed, ibuprofen, orange juice, and 2 Flintstone vitamins in hopes that it will sustain me for the next several hours.

The Post About Prostitution

My lungs have become jealous of my streppy throat and have decided to mutiny. I am now diagnosed with acute bronchitis and an upper respiratory infection. I am camped out on the couch with ginger ale and saltines - a prescription for healing. (I hope...)

I am watching Cold Case Files on A&E. I have blogged before that I don't particularly enjoy scary movies. This avoidance also applies to scary books(Stephen King), tv shows(CSI), commercials(ADT), etc. Because of this I would nornally click right past CCF, but my other options are Rock of Love Charm School or The Outer Limits (neither of which should be watched out of order...). The subject of this CCF is 3 attacked prostitutes. I decide this scenario is so far from my circumstances that there would be no need to get jittery. Unfortunately, every time they show a picture of one of the hookers, she looks exactly like I did in the mirror this morning - messy hair, no makeup, and dead eyes.

I am now going to watch Season 1 of Alias. The only dilemma will be me thinking I can work in espionage.

The Post About Malaise

I am sick. Specifically, I have strep throat. Doesn't strep throat mean I am a 10-year-old girl with boundary issues?

I am sick in that way where your hair hurts. Which is probably why it and shampoo have not interacted in more hours than are appropriate. I am sick in that way where you can only find enough strength to click the remote to watch the next Tivo'd episode of House. Which is probably why I have self-diagnosed with 4 different illnesses as-seen-on-tv. (I definitely have Cushing's.) I am sick in that way where you can sleep 10 hours and then sleep 3 hours more. Which is probably why my height is now the measurements of my loveseat.

I know exactly how it happened. I know exactly who to blame. James Robert Kinnaird. He is my 2-year-old godson whose birthday we celebrated on Tuesday night at McDonald's. They should rename the "PlayPlace" to "PetriePlace." It is dis-gusting. And I used my multiple college degrees and Flintstones-hardy immune system and went in only 5 feet. A + B = disease.

Reason #53 not to have children. Or at least not hang out with them.

The Post About National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. I have talked before about the privilege I have working in this field. My agency partners with some amazing programs - one of which is Heart Gallery Alabama. (There are Heart Galleries across the nation, too!) Some of the children featured in this video have found a forever home - some have not. There are no unwanted children. Only unfound families.

Psalm 68:5-6 "Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in His holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home; He leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land."

The Post About This Date

On this date in history...

1872
Suffragist Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for attempting to vote in a presidential election.

1917
Supreme Court decision (Buchanan v Warley) strikes down Kentucky ordinance requiring blacks & whites to live in separate areas

1959
CS Lewis wrote "All joy emphasises our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings."

1974
Ella Grasso was elected governor of Connecticut, becoming the first woman to win gubernatorial office without succeeding her husband.

1975
I was born.

The Post About Enfranchisement

Good news - I voted.

Well, it is probably not good news to those whose vote was cancelled out by mine, but it's always nice to exercise your responsibility as a citizen - don't you think?
I have always believed that all good things happen after 11am and today was no exception. I went to my polling place (aka Bama Bingo Hall) and it took me only 11 minutes to get in and out.

I am now hunkering down with an iced coffee to see the results unfold on 23 different television channels and on the internet and via text message.

I am also already campaigning for us to take a closer look at our bizarre state constitution. Seriously. More than 700 amendments? Umm...no. If you reside in Alabama - consider http://www.constitutionalreform.org/. I did support Amendment #1 (see below) because I would like to keep my job.

The Post About Possible Disenfranchisement

My polling place has a current wait time of 3 hours. I only had 2 to give because of a meeting. I will try to go back at 2pm.

Message to Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman - "Umm...no."

Will update blog later...

UPDATE (2:25pm): Trying again. My "spy" says the wait is down to 90 minutes. Here's to hoping.

The Post About Expectancy

I was going to call this post "The Post About Hope" but I didn't want "hope" to seem like veiled support of Obama/Biden. I try to only use my celebrity for frivolous endorsements. (Are there still undecideds out there?)

There are usually a handful of people who sit down after the last prayer of the Sunday night church service and simply chat. It is one of my favorite reasons to be a part of the body of Christ. We normally chat about the most random of topics. For example, last night included rodents, Saturday Night Live, lost keys, and Grand Theft Auto. (Sidebar: God still loves you if you skip church to pimp hurrs and buy an 8-ball, but your family in Christ will mock you for it).

One topic that could not be avoided was the election. At one point, the comment was made that Americans should not be so naive to think a Golden Era could be achieved as a result of this presidential vote. I agree that it won't come just because the administration changes. But I AM that wide-eyed girl who refuses to throw in the towel on hope. I believe our country is more than red vs. blue and attack ads and cable news pundits. I believe I am more than whining and soap boxes and heart on my sleeve. Mahatma Gandi said "Be the change you want to see in the world." That's the biggest choice I am making tomorrow. And no matter which amendment passes or candidate concedes - I will choose hope. I will stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. I will set God-sized goals for myself, for my community, for my country, and for my world. I will quit holding out, holding back, and turning away. I will choose hope.

How about a small endorsement? Reduced fat white cheddar Cheez-its. ("white" is not veiled support of McCain/Palin)

The Post About Hot & Now Voting

The opportunity to vote has been hard fought for by many groups of people in this country. I am grateful for what they sacrificed and will exercise that responsibility with honor on Tuesday. However, if you are not motivated by things like patriotic struggle and democratic freedom, then let this be your motivator:
I know this will inspire my friend Ralph.